Right after these Dallas Stars got another win this week I read that Heidi Klum is actually getting a divorce....  Are we all just living in Tarheels55 mind?  I believe so.

Christmas, New Years, and a steady diet of actual work created a vortex of time sucking.  The rankings are back and probably less creative then before, but they are back!   Still based on total fantasy points for!

1. $Carolina Hurricanes$ (9-5) - previous 1 - Honestly, I believe the Bruins snuck ahead of me last week to claim the top spot, but that was short lived as Eric Staal watched a highlight of 2009 and remembered he can actually play at the NHL level that or the pressure of having like his 10th kid and nearly ending the career of his brother (awkward christmas dinner) is finally off his shoulders.

2. &Boston Bruins& (9-5) - previous 3 - Soon Chara will participate in his annual carnival game of Who can shoot faster than the giant? sponsored by Men's Warehouse XL department.  The only thing that will be moving faster then his shot is urine from inside the goalie's watching to their pants.

3. Detroit Red Wings - previous 4 (7-7) - It is funny how teams have a certain type of player they go after.  The Red Wings have an approach I dub a pokemonesque frenzy to get all the Swedes.  Evgeni Nabakov realized it is close to the trade deadline and maybe... just maybe if he plays well enough he will be traded to a cup contender.  Unluckily for him cup contenders don't need an average old guy who never got there in his prime.

4. $Colorado Avalanche$ (8-6) - previous 6 - In the present we are treated to old greek mythologies of Atlus carrying the sky on his shoulders.  A thousand years from now people will be talking about Evgeni Malkin literally carrying a team... no a city.... no the hopes and dreams of everyone on his back.

5. $Chicago Blackhawks$ (11-3) - previous 2 - A slippery slope from the top.  Once a mighty king, now just a pauper begging at the feet of royalty, yet still tied for 1st place overall.  Yes, these rankings are strange.  Jussi Jokinen better hope he can imitate Lady and the Tramp, where he is Lady, Jeff Skinner is the Tramp and the dirty disgusting alley they kiss in is the Hurricanes season or else he is getting way overpaid. 

6. $St. Louis Blues$ (9-5) - previous 5 - This team scares me.  I know Lundqvist is going to play and win all the games, Stamkos is going to score all the goals and Shea Weber can actually shoot hockey pucks through the netting in a goal.  Watch out for the Blues.

7. $Anaheim Ducks$ (11-3) - previous 7 - The Ducks are back in town, the ducks are back in tooowwwwnnnnnn! (imagine that sung in the vein of The boys are back in town please).  Riding a fantasy league best 5 game win streak and sitting tied at the top.  Tomas Vokoun is playing like he did in Florida except on a team that can score more than 1 goal a night.  Getzlaf and Parise are coming out of their early season funks. Getzlaf is 26 yet has the hair, or lack their of, of a 70 year old.  Just throwing it out there.

8. Philadelphia Flyers  (5-9) - previous 10 - This poor unfortunate team.. They were the kids that ate the yellow icee from friends.  They are that guy you know that is a dad because a condom broke.  They are "The Blitz" from How I met your mother.  When a team plays this fantasy flyer's team they run rampant.  They still! After 14 weeks have the most fantasy points against.  Better luck next year.

9. San Jose Sharks (9-5) - tied - previous 11 - What a solid pickup Derek Stepan has been.  This team is just solid in every area.  Good scorers, good defensemen, 2 starting goalies yet not a single guy with a mustache.  If they would just add that they would be a power house I am sure of it.

9. $Vancouver Canucks$ (8-6) - tied - previous 9 - This team is heating up and with Theodore coming back from an injury expect them to move up the charts in short order.  "Jaromir Jagr says that he was 'scared' to test his groin Sunday in Ottawa".  Haha no man should ever say those words.  I like to test my groin wherever I am at.

11. $Dallas Stars$ (9-5) - previous 13 - The opposite problem of the Flyers.  A team so lucky their Crap actually doesn't stink.  They are that guy who while slipping and falling Heidi Klum catches them while she was walking to submit her divorce papers. They still near the bottom of the leagues least fantasy points against after 14 weeks and are the constant target of everyone's jealousy.

12. Edmonton Oilers (5-9) - previous 8 - They probably just need another year to mature and you know get to the tail end of puberty.  Some of these guys still havn't seen a real life woman's... shoulder blade they are so young.  Maybe next year for these oilers.  Lots of cap space and youth never hurt nobody.

13. Los Angeles Kings (7-7) - previous 15 - Winners of 3 straight and a team on the march to a playoff spot.  Once Duchene gets healthy the Kings could be trouble.  But I bet they fall down the charts the next 2 weeks with Benn injured.

14. Toronto Maple Leafs (7-7) - previous 14 - Nazem Kadri has been called up and sent back more times then a soup ordered by the elderly.  That poor guy is never going to get any kind of hockey rhythm.  I bet the Maple Leafs before the season draw straws to see who is going to have a career year and who is going to disappear for 82 games.  Winners: Lupul and Kessel, Losers: Kulemin and MacArthur

15. Washington Capitals (6-8) - previous 12 - Niklas Backstrom got hit with one of the cheapest shots I've seen this year.  Yet the Caps keep on winning.  I blame the fact that george mcphee sold his soul and any chance of looking like a normal human being to the devil for these winning seasons.

16. Pittsburgh Penguins (3-11) - previous 16 - That noise you hear is Cho34's longing for Crosby to play hockey.  It is hauntingly beautiful.

17. Buffalo Sabres (6-8) - previous 18 -  Hey Buffalo at least you aren't covered in 4 feet of snow!  Look on the bright side, because the dark side is the Sabres are not paying forward all that good will their near owner paid them.  Ouch

18. Montreal Canadiens (5-9) - previous 17 - The fans of the Canadiens were more pissed that their new coach didn't speak french instead of their team having no will to win.  Side bar: PK Subban needs to catch a beating and I don't care by who.  His hit on Krejci was borderline, but what he did after deserves a revoking of his man card.

19. Tampa Bay Lightning (5-9)- previous 19 - This fantasy squad is savaged by injuries.  Roloson's career finally hit midnight and he has turned back into a pumpkin.

20. Calgary Flames (2-12) - previous 20 - What do women say when they were completely unsatisfied but don't want to hurt the guys feelings?  That was gooood (draw it out too long while not making eye contact).  The flames season so far has been "goood".

.4m

Good luck sir, you will need it.  The Kings GMs last as long as a Defense of the Dark Arts teacher in Harry Potter.

This just in.  The Hurricanes, I repeat, the Hurricanes are #1 in these standings and your hearts and souls.

1. $Hurricanes$ (7-3) previously 2 -  I've done it!  It was a long road to the top and I don't wanna give it up.  The MVP of my team and a man whose name means something like a group of deer.  Cal Clutterbuck!  Jeff Skinner has a concussion making watching the Hurricanes an illegal form of torture as described in the Geneva Convention. 

2. $Blackhawks (9-1) previously 3 -  Sometime last week Toews was top 5 in Goals, Assists, Points, Faceoff %, Shots, Pierre McGuirre "most captainy captain bj's" and being the best hockey player to ever sport muttin chops (see playoff beard pics).  Also, I made up those statistics.

3. $Boston Bruins$ (6-4) previously 1 - The red hot Bruins are now more of an orange hot.  Still very good just not immortal gods wearing hockey jersey's like they were for the better part of 6 weeks.

4. Red Wings (5-5) previously 5 - Every year I think this is the year the Red Wings will be too old to win.  It sure as hell isn't this year either.  15 years ago they were trying to clone sheep.  Why aren't the top scientists in Detroit trying like mad to clone Nick Lidstrom on some shady boat on lake Michigan where laws can't reach them?

5. $Blues$ (7-3) previously 6 - Jesus.... Their last week was frightening.  250 fantasy points, which might be a sin of gluttony.  Basically Spezza, Stamkos, and Evander Kane went into a blind point scoring rampage and took no prisoners. 

6. $Avalanche$ (7-3) previously 7 - Evgeni Malkin is tied for the league lead in PPG which means he is the best player in the world.... currently not concussed.  I am starting to think that russians just don't care if they have concussions or not.  They will just play right through them.  French Canadiens though can't whine about them any more.

7. $Ducks$ (7-3) previously 6 - What's this?  Is it a Haley's comet sighting?  No, something just as rare.  Zach Parise is playing top notch hockey again.

8. Oilers (5-5) previously 4 -  A big slide down to the 8th spot.  October and November are the months were young men get out to impressive starts.  Then they get smashed for 2 months by grizzled veterans and crumble.  The Oilers are falling apart faster than every NHL coach's confidence that they will have a job tomorrow.

9. $Canucks$ (6-4) previously 13 - Hey Oh!  Welcome back Stanley Cup runners up.  List of things I want to see this year from the Canucks.  Henrik Sedin getting 100 assists, Daniel Sedin getting 100 goals and Roberto Luongo crying 100 tears when he is left to endorse only 1 product, a strainer.  Letting most things through has been his dream for a long time.

10. Flyers (3-7) previously 9 - Giroux is out with a concussion.  That noise you heard last week was Papps pulling his hair out and crying.  Then blaming it on the Penguins and calling Crosby a crybaby for being out so long in true Flyers insanity. 

11. Sharks (6-4) previously 15 -  The sleeper pickup this year, dollars to donuts has to be Brian Elliot.  Best .4m spent in fantasy hockey history.  I will be asking Shelby to invest a large sum of money for me in a stock of their choosing if this continues.

12. Capitals (4-6) previously 12 - I heard a great theory on the radio recently that pegs Ovechkin as a performance enhancing drug user, or at least previous user.  The theory is look for players that drop off after playing in the olympics because of the stringent drug tests.  106, 92, 112, 110, 109, OLYMPICS, 85 and now 22 points in 30+ games.  The proof is in the pudding and this pudding tastes like Horse testosterone.   

13. $Stars$ (5-5) previously 14 -  Things are finally catching up to these Fantasy Stars after a fast start.  Good News for Tarheels55 is that Varlamov is playing so bad that Giguere might be the starter here shorly.  Way to win that battle of attrition! 

14. Leafs (5-5) previously 10 - Phil Kessel is clearly a witch or has witch fans. 
http://www.rotoworld.com/articles/nhl/39518/109/The-Curse-of-Phil-Kessel!

15. Kings (4-6) - previously 11 - If we used Chinese year names, this would not be the year of the Kings but more like the year of firing coaches for crushing talent in a slow plodding system.  Open it up out there in LA!

16. Penguins (3-7) previously 16 -  When Crosby is in these Penguins win.  When Crosby is out these Penguins lose.  This Crosby guy really is good or it is all coincidence.  Go to the Penguins team fantrax page it looks like a dozen little swiss flags.  So many injuries

17. Canadiens (3-7) previously 17 - Whomp got super boned when the blackhawks decided to turn the team over to Ray Emery, a man who is best known for being a goalie more willing to punch opponents then stop pucks, while leaving young Corey Crawford to sit in the dog house.  Bummer

18. Sabres (4-6) previously 18 -  What starts fast and ends with a whimper?  Probably Thomas Vanek's love life, but definitely the Sabres season.  There was more hope surrounding this team at the beginning of the year then in Tim Tebow's frighteningly optimistic mind. 

19. Lightning (3-7) previously 19 -  I had high hopes for these Lightning, but with St. Louis out, Gagne playing like the waste of talent he is and Paul Stasny shrinking in the shadow of Matt Duchene there is no light at the end of that tunnel.  Also, Dwayne Roloson has hit a wall, maybe a foreshadowing of Timmy Thomas in 10 years?

20. Flames (1-9) previously 20 -  Actually had 2 pretty good weeks in a row after those trades.  Getting about 40 more fantasy points a week.  I see a win in the Flames future mainly because Jarome Iginla is doing his normal waking up from his summer slumber to breath the crisp wintery hockey air which is like cat nip to him.