Power Rankings: 1 of Ugghhh I hate this Season

[GypsieDeathBringer]

I thought everyone was tired of my scathing look at our hockey league, but when the commish says jump, you say "Stop holding our money in escrow and let us play in the olympics or there will be a hold out".

Almost a 200 point gap between 1 and 2 - Group Marcia Brady
1. Florida Panthers        (9-1)  -  They are the Cubs of this league.  Built on a foundation of ever improving and exceptionally productive youth.  Next year when our salary cap goes down they will be sitting on piles of cash.  Imagine that scene in "A Christmas Story" when the Santa kicks the kid in the face shooting him down the slide.  Capn is Santa and we are all getting kicked in the face.  He not only has the leading scoring in the league Scheifele, he has the guy tied with him, Kucherov, giving him both of the NHL's scoring leaders.  Ridiculous. 

60 points between 2 and 7 -  Group Jan Brady
2. Buffalo Sabres          (8-2)  -  Buffalo is like Wily Coyote chasing The Road Runner off a cliff and just so close to catching it.  Eventually Wily realizes he isn't on ground and plummets into a ravine.  I don't predict a ravine plummet, but they are currently being held up by some unsustainable performances.  Grabner is getting 12 minutes a game and shooting 25%, he will go back to being a nothing.  Marchessault is a great player, but will plummet the depth charts come our playoff time.  Jeff Skinner has a 50% chase to miss 20-40 games somewhere.  Bobrovsky is getting wins from his team based on a 30% PP (last year it was 17%), while Talbot and the Oilers have already started their decent back into mediocrity.
 
3. Boston Bruins           (7-3)  -  Bruins are sitting near the top on sheer depth.  So many players pitching in.  Kevin Hayes is really the only super outlier shooting an astounding 35%.  Everyone else is just doing their part with room to grow as Plekanec and Boedker are better than they have shown.  Rob has taken the Chinese approach and just thrown numbers at a problem, and right now that is the winning solution.  To bad for Rob the Chinese have never won any hockey related hardware, and neither has he (zing!).

4. St. Louis Blues          (9-1)  -  Lundqvist, Bishop, Hellebuyck and Allen make up this quintet of goalies.  That's right.  4 starting goalies.  During Y2K I guarantee Shooter built a bunker and filled it with not only the coolest and must useful stuff (porn and beef jerky mostly), but also had the foresight to stock up on things he would need years down the road (more porn), but also water filters and air scrubbers to you know live a comfortable life during the apocalypse.  That is how you survive the end of the world and that is how you amass a treasure trove of goalie talent. 

5. Los Angeles Kings      (8-2)  -  Is this the year all that bad juju has fallen sloughed off the Dregernator (nickname I just coined)?  I do believe it is.  A mix of stupendous signings (Staal, Sheary, and Panik) with the great foundation of years past makes this Kings team dangerous.  All this without Quick, who may or may not miss all of our regular season.  But that is fine since his other goalies (Price and Murray) have a combined 1.77 GA and .942 save% through 16 games.  A veritable hoover dam of talent and skill.  I only hope dozens of people weren't buried alive in cement to facilitate Price and Murray's training.   

6. Edmonton Oilers      (8-2)  -  Wise enough to not scapegoat Taylor Hall for all of the Oilers' past troubles, but not wise enough to realize he should've changed his logo into a golden baby radiating lasers from its fingers and eyes to symbolize the Connor McDavid.  I don't get to watch alot of McDavid, but the game he played against the Penguins picking up 3 assists was fantastic.  Truly is something special.  Not special enough to win in the playoffs thought, and ultimately neither are these Oilers if Stepan, Stone and Draisaitl continue to be mediocre. 

7. Carolina Hurricanes    (3-7)  -  As you can see there is one lone team stuck amongst all these orange colored playoff teams.  If you listen closely you can actually hear my screams as the hockey gods whip my nuts to dust.  Not sure what I've done to offend them.  Every night I leave cookies and milk out for them.  I cry during the Canadian national anthem like any loyal subject would.  I did say that even Wayne Gretzky's statue is second rate compared to Mario Lemieux's.  That was probably it....  damn.  Well my previous 1st overall pick goalie Andrew Hammond couldn't be worse, the Hurricanes former #5 overall pick Lindholm couldn't find a hockey point if it manifested itself as his ass or a whole in the ground.  Gaudreau broke his finger counting how many goals Elliot let in that night.  I'll do what the Pirates did and just call this a bridge year when it is apparent I won't make the playoffs.

70 points between 8-10 -  Group Cindy Brady
8. Detroit Red Wings      (7-3)  - Panarin is no one hit wonder and is going to get PPPPAAAAIIIIIDDDD this offseason.  Luckily Izaman has many years to cross that bridge.  It'll be the same bridge that he throws Zetterberg's old overpaid body over.  I like this team.  Gagner, Eaves and Buchnevich will probably fall off a bit from their stellar pace so far, but Nyquist, RNH and Hagelin have room to step up.  Solid starting goalies will keep the Red Wings in the contender area all season.
 
9. Colorado Avalanche      (6-4) -  If Sydney Crosby scores 50 goals in his first 50 games of the season does it still count?  I say absolutely.  I also say the Avs are disappointing me.  My preseason math told me they were going to fighting for a top spot in this league, and yet here they sit at #9.  Bryan Little coming back will help that out, but Ekblad, Spooner, Doan, Jagr and Iginla have flat out sucked.  I guess this is why you play the games in real life.  A game I bet Snug thought he would be playing is cashing in on trading his older vets at the trade deadline.  Instead he should be preparing a full time nursing staff to take care of them at this point.


10. Philadelphia Flyers      (6-4)  -  A bold experiment in spitting in the face of needing depth.  Well it must be an awfully windy day as that spit has boomeranged back around.  Stamkos is done for our year and that really is all you need to know about a team built on the backs of star power.  If you don't have stars, you don't have power.

11. Anaheim Ducks      (6-4) - I'd like to be happy about the Ducks plunge from grace, but I still predicated them to do well, which makes me look terrible.  Underperformers:  Benn, Parise, Bergeron, Krug, Muzzin, Gibson, Greiss.  There is still enough time and talent to turn this team into something to be feared, but right now it is like watching the once majestic and awe inspiring great white shark being bullied by a bunch of puffins (look them up, so cute).   

The Brady Bunch Maid Group - Underappreciated, but still needed to be the butt of jokes.
12. Toronto Maple Leafs   (6-4) -  The record makes it look like they have a shot, but I just don't see that extending out over a season.  They need some goalie help and then they would easily take over their division.  Really like the future for the Maple Leafs.
13. Chicago Blackhawks   (3-7) -  Philip di Giuseppe
14. Washington Capitals   (5-5) -  Backes was a great signing.  Loui Eriksson was an equally bad signing it looks like.  A preseason favorite to do great things, but Varlamov and Neuvirth have just urinated in BA's cheerios. 
15. Pittsburgh Penguins   (2-8)  -
16. Montreal Canadiens   (1-9)  -
17. Tampa Bay Lightning   (2-8) -
18. Calgary Flames           (2-8) -
19. Arizona Coyotes           (1-9) -
20. Vancouver Canucks   (1-9) -

[Rob]

I think your problem is you didn't even mention Bobby Orr in the statue conversation...

Also Chinese synchronized divers have some hardware, right?

"13. Chicago Blackhawks   (3-7) -  Philip di Giuseppe" - Ouch... hahaha

Awesome read!  Thanks Corey!

[snugerud]

great write up as usual. bang on with my old timers.  I thought at least 1 of the 3 would keep their pace going

[Anthony]

"13. Chicago Blackhawks   (3-7) -  Philip di Giuseppe" - Ouch... hahaha

Arguably my worst and most questionable move I've made in this league 

[Rob]

Arguably my worst and most questionable move I've made in this league 

A lot of us had high hopes for him.

[Anthony]

A lot of us had high hopes for him.

I appreciate the sympathy. 

[Tyler]

Best part is, Corey, I am from NL and Puffins are OURS, so well played... WELLLL PLAYEDDD

I got bored of winning and wanted to rebuild... yeah, that's why I suck this year... yeahhhhh

[jlapo11]

Why am I the only one to have faith in my Buffalo team? Looking forward the final power ranking at the end of the season.

Even the sceptics will be proven wrong

[Capn Cally]

LOVE this haha.

And as everyone else chimed in, Di G....yeeeeahhh.

To be fair to jlapo, he beat me, and would have beaten me other weeks too with his point total being higher than mine.
I do agree that Marchessault and Grabner won't keep up their pace but he hasn't had some kid named Eichel all season either.

That's the crapshoot of playoffs though - players can go off in a week for a bunch of goals, or a goalie like Dubnyk gets a couple shutouts.
Just gotta make playoffs and then who knows what can happen!

Health is also a key factor. A couple of your guys go down, good luck in a 1-week matchup!

[Rob]

LOVE this haha.

And as everyone else chimed in, Di G....yeeeeahhh.

To be fair to jlapo, he beat me, and would have beaten me other weeks too with his point total being higher than mine.
I do agree that Marchessault and Grabner won't keep up their pace but he hasn't had some kid named Eichel all season either.

That's the crapshoot of playoffs though - players can go off in a week for a bunch of goals, or a goalie like Dubnyk gets a couple shutouts.
Just gotta make playoffs and then who knows what can happen!

Health is also a key factor. A couple of your guys go down, good luck in a 1-week matchup!

Don't start making excuses, Cally.  We're in Trump world now.  If you don't win it all you're a complete failure.  LOSER!