The Red Wings were indeed number 1 at the start of last week, so a tip of the cap to them. The playoffs start in 1 week! God speed competitors
1. $Colorado Avalanche$ (13-7) previous 4 - They were my pick to win it all and they are living up to expectations. With all the Bernier trade talk he could become a start somewhere, which would be a scary scary proposition. As scary as being propositioned by a prostitute that could maybe be a man (if you aren't into that).
2. $Detroit Red Wings$ (11-9) previous 2 - Datsyuk gets injured and all hell breaks loose. The Red Wings lose at home and Howard shows some faults. Datsyuk probably won't come back until the real NHL playoffs which makes him as meaninful to our playoffs as birth control is to making love in the ocean, not at all. (I did not pay attention in health class and will not be held accountable for consequences as a result of previous or future statements).
3. $Carolina Hurricanes$ (12-8) previous 1 - My only hope is the real life Hurricanes feel like their season still means something and brings Ward back from his injury. I'm not a doctor but I think he is suffering from "being shot at the most ever". It is an adult onset illness with symptoms that include being paid millions of dollars and having Canadian women swoon in your presence.
4. $Chicago Blackhawks$ (15-5) previous 5 - I am probably going to have to play these savages in the 1st round here and my only hope is Toews took an etiquette class from Kane and punches a cab driver resulting in his imprisonment FOR LIFE!
5. $Boston Bruins$ (11-9) previous 3 - This plucky little team will beat you with plus/minus points alone. I'm looking at your Chara.... which I now regret. There should be a law about showing males from Slovakia on tv or in picture form; not acceptable.
6. $St. Louis Blues$ (12-8) previous 6 - David Perron in the hizz ouse (spelling?). Steven Stamkos is apparently not a flash in the pan and will score all the goals. Unless, he is playing the Penguins and will in turn be destroyed repeatedly by Brooks Orpik. You'd think Stamkos ate the last piece of pizza the way Orpik looks at him.
7. $Anaheim Ducks$ (13-7) previous 7 - So this guy has like 4 starting goalies now how fair is that? If the Ducks win this it is a direct result of Craig Anderson not wearing the pants in his relationship and had to cook dinner. All NHL players should have to watch a cautionary tale about how knives are sharp.
8. Edmonton Oilers (10-10) previous 10 - Out of the playoffs due to the improbability of scoring 400 fantasy points in a week. Very Terrifying (with a capital T). Watch out for a big push next year.
9. Philadelphia Flyers (7-13) previous 8 - Out of the playoffs based on record. They could easily make the playoffs next year if only they don't play against the hottest team every single week.
10. $Vancouver Canucks$ (12-8) previous 12 - When they are playing well they are crushing teams. When they are playing poorly they are starting Roberto Luongo. That guy better be proud of that gold medal because he will never be on the ice if his team wins the cup.
11. Los Angeles Kings (10-10) previous 11 - Out of the playoffs due to the improbability of scoring 500 fantasy points in a week. Clearly they need Jeff Carter to make a deep playoff run next year.
12. $Dallas Stars$ (14-6) previous 9 - I would've said a few weeks ago this team is the fantasy equivalent of the winner of the South East division in real hockey, but they have been pouring in points and seem legit. My opinion of their chances to win and Uma Thurman's attractiveness are constantly swaying back and forth.
13. $San Jose Sharks$ (12-8) previous 13 - Logan Couture looks like he is the offspring of a horse and a badger (bad), but he plays like he is the offspring of a horse and a badger (good). I wouldn't want to play these guys in the playoffs as they are scoring goals like they need to overcome terrible goal tending. Oh wait, they do.
The following teams are officially and mathematically out of the playoffs for this year. They can still ruin alot of people's fantasy hopes by setting up bad matchups. Better luck next year. I'll meet you down at the corner bar hoisting my fantasy trophy in a few weeks.
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14. Washington Capitals (9-11) previous 14
15. Toronto Maple Leafs (10-10) previous 15
16. Pittsburgh Penguins (7-13) previous 16
17. Buffalo Sabres (7-13) previous 17
18. Montreal Canadiens (6-14) previous 18
19. Tampa Bay Lightning (7-13) previous 19
20. Calgary Flames (2-18) previous 20
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Halloween