Pre-Season POWER RANKINGS

[GypsieDeathBringer]

As always these are rooted in fact and then explained in lunacy.  I took the total points of each teams current roster that they scored last year, added that to Profsl's projections for those players this year and got a power rankings.  This takes in account the entire roster as I can't go and pick who will be on the bench and who will be starting, so it emphasizes organizational depth.  Looking at this shows there really aren't any more bad teams.  Anyone can win at any time and if even 1 player goes down on a top team the gnashing jaws of the pack behind them will be all consuming.   

*I may have made some slight 9/11 jokes because it is how I process things.  If you know that kind of thing will upset you just don't read #7 and #8*


By a gigantic margin #1 is......

1.  Anaheim Ducks  -  If everyone here had the same gaming experience in the late 90's as me then they will know what I mean that this Anaheim Ducks team is the Bahamut Zero of this league.  The ultimate upgraded team.  They have a great duo of goalies.  Bernier will get a ton of points because he will make about 35 saves a game and Rask will win 45 games this year.  Then a super star at each position with rising stars behind them.  It isn't fair.  I don't like it, but am spurred on to know that the team that scores the most points in the regular season has never won the championship (that is because it has been the Blues every year and they havn't won it all yet).  Oh yeah they are doing this with 5 open spots on their roster and cash in hand to add some more pieces if they need.  Watching this team is like watching Scrooge McDuck swim around in his tower full of gold coins.

2.  St. Louis Blues  -  Their crown has been taken.  Will it make them hungrier this year for the championship?  Well it probably won't matter.  They are now this leagues NHL Penguins.  A ton of projections to win it all every year and then not quite getting there.  The pressure is on and I imagine Shooter rocking manically in a shower spraying cold water on him as his hair falls out and he pushes buttons on a calculator muttering "the numbers add up... Stamkos, Lundqvist, Backes, Weber, Spezza.  I'm the best.  Why no win"?  Really though they will push the Ducks all year for the #1 seed and will probably meet the Ducks in the finals.  The Mountain West is rough stuff.

3.  Boston Bruins  -  They are going to pick up some easy wins in their division but none of them will be easy against the Caps.  These bruins will be hard pressed to win the division again and if that is the case then they will have to go through the meet grinder that is the 5-10 seeds.  This is really because they were savaged by the lowered salary cap only comparable to how a Killer Whale savages a seal (look it up, it is brutal).  Trading away proven commodities for guys that have some question marks.  Can Kyle Turris be great again?  Can Brandon Saad step up and produce?  Will Ryan Kesler go back to his high scoring ways?  Probably yes to all of those things or they wouldn't be the 3rd best team. 

4.  Washington Caps  -  Surprised?  Well you shouldn't be.  They were one of the winners of Goalie roulette last year and it will show this year.  Varlamov will be reprising his role of accused woman abuser/kidnapper/torturer and Avs goalie while Neuvirth gets to imitate a screen door against a  tsunami of vulcanized rubber.  Lots of points for those guys.  Made some thrifty free agent pickups and have just a solid team.  These Caps are like those ordinary pair of jeans that for whatever reason women and men find you irresistible in.   

5.  Chicago B'Hawks  -  His goalies really carry this team to the top.  Mason and Lehtonen will get a bunch of work as their NHL backups are terrible.  These Hawks do have a pretty gaping hole on their LW though.  It is like looking at Mt. Rushmore and where Abe Lincoln's face should be they just glued a penny.   

6.  Carolina Hurricanes  -  The NHL Hurricanes hit a rock bottom fantasy wise and surely they can't be that bad again.  Eric Staal and Cam Ward have got to bounce back or my season will end in disappointment all over again.  Traded away some goalies and youth to add depth at the Wings and D-men.  This team is more balanced, but maybe doesn't have the high end potential as last year.  Really it all rests on if Brad Richards can hold on to the 2nd center spot for the Blackhawks and trusting Richards to produce is about as fun as gargling glass while having your ankles hobbled like in Misery.

7.  Detroit Red Wings  -  Last years champs came on strong when it meant the most, but I doubt that Nyquist scores at the 70 goal pace he was on the 2nd half of the year.  Every year it is the same thing Datsyuk and Zetterberg are a year older can they keep putting up points.  Well Datsyuk missed half the year and they still won the championship, so that question is apparently not important.  Certainly not as important as asking who is Jori Lehtera and Jiri Sekac?  Were they twins with the same father named Jiri, then split apart at birth keeping the first name because that is something foreign people might do?  Maybe.  And maybe they are also good at hockey.  It could be both or neither.  That is the crazy world we live in after 9/11 where anything is possible.  9/11 as in yesterday's date not the terrorist attack on that date.  You'd have to be a monster to make a joke about a terrorist attack.

8.  Los Angeles Kings  -  These Kings are going to explode onto the scene this year like an airplane smashing into a large phallic building.  Once again not about 9/11 just a common saying here in Pittsburgh.  As common as Yinz and Jagoff.  You guys don't know because you aren't from here.  I pick them every year to do something, but this is finally the year.  Quick and Price will have bounce back years and just jam it in everyone's face like a hand cupped fart at a high school party.  Landeskog, Kane, MacKinnon, Oshi, and Doughty will lead the way.  Grabovski will be given all kinds of power play time and these Kings will make the playoffs. 

9.  Vancouver Canucks  -  A really competitive team that will probably win their division again, but it will be a battle with the Oilers.  Gaborik is back to his scoring ways, but Brent Burns is being shoveled back to playing as a defensemen.  Only the NHL Sharks see something that is working so well like having Brent Burns play as a forward and blow it up because the team as a whole has as much fight back as those kids I pushed down to get on the water slide first.  These Canucks really could use some backup goalies or something because they are thin thin thin with only Miller.

10.  Florida Panthers  -  It is really up to them whether they want to go winless again or battle for a playoff spot.  They can hide their talented youth in the minors again and not get points every week, or they can bring them up and participate in the Central East.  If they want to battle they will be a tough out.  Seth Jones, Ryan Strome, Brock Nelson, Alexander Barkov and Beau Bennett will all be mainstays on their NHL rosters.  Or, they can play the Connor McDavid sweepstakes game, get last and hope none of the NHL teams that correspond with a DNHL team get the 1st pick.  Or you know they can play fantasy hockey like a gentleman.  PLAY FANTASY HOCKEY LIKE A GENTLEMAN!!  An honest to goodness genius rebuild though.  Much respect for what they have done. 

11.  Edmonton Oilers  -  I'm not sure if in the summer they went and kissed the Blarney stone, tripped over a 4 leaf clover as big as a VW Bug, which then rocketed them into out space so they could give a shooting star a high five, but they lucked out big time.  Hornqvist goes from being centered by Mike Fisher to Evgeni Malkin.  Frederik Anderson has the starting goalie in front of him not get extended and leaves the #1 spot his.  Rinne didn't contract or experience any other ailments an elderly woman might encounter.  I really like the Oilers to make some noise this year.

12.  Arizona Coyotes  -  Just a really unlucky team.  Remember back in the day when money bought wins in the MLB and the Red Sox and Yankees made it impossible for the Orioles and Jays to be competitive?  That is what is happening to these Coyotes.  4 incredibly tough teams in their division make it a herculean task to make the playoffs.  Maybe they can beat Hercules though?  What beats Hercules you might ask.  The dude is a demigod. Well if you have played God of War you realize exactly what it takes.  And how that isn't applicable to fantasy sports.  You are just boned Norrya.

13.  Philly Flyers  -  What is there to say about this Philadelphia team that hasn't already been said many times before about men like Hitler, Ray Rice, or Todd Bertuzzi? This.  I wouldn't mind seeing them lose every game by just .1 of a point to really bring on a level of frustration that makes Papps trade me Kopitar for a 3rd round pick 5 years from now.  That is something that has never been said about the men mentioned above, I am almost positive.  I really like this team though.  Hertl, Brayden Schenn, Tatar, James Neal as the focal point on a power play, Andrew Shaw.  The only thing holding them back is they have 2 backup goalies that could be starters someday, but probably not this year. 

14.  Buffalo Sabres  -  Some nice free agent signings and draft picks that can help out immediately.  The amount of points that separate them from a playoff spot is literally 90 points.  That is one garbage defenseman away from being playoff ready.  That is how deep this league is now. 

15.  Colorado Avs  -  Seeing the Avs down here is pretty surprising, but as this list combines the entire point total of a team it counts guys that probably will spend time on a bench.  The Avs don't have a bench.  What you see is what you get.  They will most probably not be the 15th team in the league at the end of the day, but they could be if one of the big guns goes down.  Do you remember the last time Sydney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin played an entire season together?  I do.  It was the year 2008.  Back when Justin Bieber was just young boy that hadn't fornicated with prostitutes, done drugs, crashed cars and gotten into street fights. You know the good ole days.  These Avs do have tremendous depth in goal, which will keep them alive all year long.   
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This is where the real divide occurs in points.
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16.  Pittsburgh Pens  -  Not a real sexy team.  They had star power and they traded it away.  It would be like dating Kate Upton right before she become a model and then getting dumped on your face the day before she become world famous.  She moved up to men who can afford her lifestyle.  Now you are just sitting in a dimly lit room, drinking cases of Miller Light wondering what could have been. 

17.  Toronto Maple Leafs  -  This team is rare in our league as they still have so many of the actual Maple Leaf players.  They will be able to put up points, but in spite of their goalie situation. 

18.  Montreal Canadiens  -  At least they have the nicest Profsl picture I've seen. 

19.  Tampa Bay Bolts  -   They have some really nice young pieces, but there aren't enough of them and they aren't ready enough to make a playoff pushing impact.

20.  Calgary Flames  -  Rebuilding........

[Rob]

Dead sexy.   

My formula is similar but I didn't account for any players who scored less than 100 points last year or are projected for less than 100 points this year.  So mine is heavy on having good depth and doesn't account for all depth. 

Thanks Corey always a blast reading your stuff!

[snugerud]

I dont think it helps my ranks that half my team doesnt even have projected points. 

I still say I will be very surprised if Penner isnt signed at some point leading into the season...

[Capn Cally]

Definitely going to make a better appearance this year than last, that's for sure.
But pretty sure doesn't deserve to be in the top 10!

As I've now learned, the supp draft is pretty much a waste for bottom end teams in here given that real NHL teams keep their draft picks.

However, I think I might be able to field 3 NHL RW's (Gallagher, Kucherov with Bennett, Jensen and Skinner LW/RW) and maybe 3 NHL LW's (Krieder, with Bennett, Jensen and Skinner LW/RW.

My best skater looks like he's going to be starting the start of the NHL watching games from his living room (Ryan Johansen).
While I do have a lot of nice young Centers, they're not quite at the elite level for fantasy yet. Give me 2 years for that

Obviously my best talent lies in D, with 3 of the better offensive guys in the NHL, along with Schultz, Spurgeon and Leddy. After the starting 6 I only have Jones and possibly some other young rookies like Merrill, Dumba, Pouliot. Merrill did sweet f-a last year in terms of fantasy production.

My goalie situation is actually quite good somehow. Schnieder/Kinkaid and Elliot as starters, with Stalock probably taking over the starting job in San Jose sometime this year too.

But since goalscoring gets the most points, having good D and G don't really do a ton if my forwards aren't going to score goals - especially if my top scorer doesn't play until November or later.

Like I said, give me 2 more years and I'll be top-5 (if my salary cap can retain all these guys!)

[GypsieDeathBringer]

Obviously the numbers are not perfect.  I tried to fudge in some numbers for guys that were projected with 0 points but would obviously be playing this year.  What it really showed was just how close teams 3 through 15 were.  The Avs at 15 could very well make the playoffs and probably will.  The most important take away is there are no easy wins this year if all the teams are managed properly.  This is going to be the most competitive year yet.

[Tyler]

Thanks for Jinxing me!!!! Arghhhh

If all goes as planned, Vokoun signs somewhere, Gibson is getting #1 mins in ANA and Svedberg gets the backup role in BOS I could essentiall have a goalie line of:

Rask
Bernier
Berra
Vokoun
Gibson
Svedberg

 

[snugerud]

Whatever Tyler.. Your team sucks and we all know it.. We just tell you it's awesome to make you feel better.

[Tyler]

Whatever Tyler.. Your team sucks and we all know it.. We just tell you it's awesome to make you feel better.

Par for the course, Wife does the same thing to me in bed.

No biggy, works for me

[Rob]

Par for the course, Wife does the same thing to me in bed.

No biggy, works for me

 

[snugerud]

now that made me laugh today.. Thanks Tyler!