A wild 2 weeks, but not a whole lot of shifting in the power rankings.
Point Spread 268 points from 1st to 2nd (ridiculous) 60 points from 2nd to 4th
70 from 4th to 5th 50 points from 5th to 11th (so many are in contention)
1. Blues (8-0) previously 1st - If you look up conqueror in the dictionary you'll see a picture of this team. All portraits of Napolean will have his face replaced with Shooter's and everyone shall once again eat with their right hand and wipe with their left. He is so good he went fishing for a serviceable defenseman and pulled in a Letang like clone in Derek Morris. Luck or knowledge? It doesn't matter because both count the same on the scoreboard.
2. Ducks (4-4) previously 3rd - This team shall be known as 85% as good as the Blues, and the Ducks are better than all the rest of the teams. That is how good the Blues are currently. These ducks got clipped by big weeks playing the Blues, Bruins, Blackhawks, and Hurricanes or else they could be undefeated. Instead they are that dirty little orphan child looking in through the glass display that is the glorious playoff picture. Get a job Ducks, clean your face and maybe we'll let you in.
3. Redwings (6-2) previously 2nd - Lost a devastatingly close match to the Kings , .5 points. It must be eating away at Izaman. He could've played so and so on this date and won... Keeping him up at night, cursing his goalies for letting in just 1 soft goal or a defenseman playing a lazy shift. Blaming his kids for not eating their vegetables (stay strong imaginary Izaman kids) and that is why Franzen missed 2 games. Literally just 1 additional positive thing could've won it for him, but instead they came up short (foreshadowing to the playoffs). He did just crush 2 teams this past week, but I don't like to look at that as meaningful.
4. Hurricanes (6-2) previously 4th - If losing 1 goalie to injury wasn't enough the hockey god's have heaped seconds on my plate. Probably in response for them granting my wish that the Flyers would set the standard for terrible hockey this year (thank you hockey gods it has been worth it), or for my general lack of humbleness. Eric Staal is currently playing hockey like that really tall guy that can't run the basketball court well, so you just park him in the offensive zone and play defense with 4 people, hope the other team doesn't score so you can lob the ball to tall guy and watch him miss the shot. That style equals Staal being -10 with 8 points on the year and me stealing an increased amount of candy from babies so others can feel my pain. 5th easiest record, so I'm waiting for the losses to start piling up.
5. Avalanche (5-3) previously 8th - His goalies have apparently been lost at sea all year with no hopes of being found because they have played that poorly. I can only guess they have pummeled each other to death for the right to one night alone with Sandra the sensual 5 gallon bucket they found adrift. Avs are currently the last playoff team in, but only by the grace of his majesty, Sidney Crosby. Conacher has been a massive disappointment. Apparently not playing with St. Louis and Stamkos has led to him scoring much much much less.
6. Penguins (4-4) previously 6th - These penguins are turtle heading at .500. They've had to play an incredibly tough schedule and a very easy one all at the same time. Beat the Flyers, Capitals, Flames and Panthers and then lost to Kings, Oilers, Blues, and Red Wings. We'll know what kind of team this is in a few more weeks, but signs point to "Try again later" (damn magic 8 ball).
7. Kings (7-1) previously 5th - Sitting pretty with the 2nd best record in all the land. I wouldn't call that kingly, maybe princely, but trying to live up to the standards set by your own name is a daunting task just ask Yakupov. 1 goal all year and a -12. I havnt' watched him, but to be that bad I feel like he has just been scoring own goals to get the thrill of putting the puck in past a goalie. Drew might also have the starting goalies to the Gold Medal hopefuls America, in Quick, and Canada, in Price. That game will either be a fantastic showing of goalie talent which they are both capable of, or a 7-6 just pull the goalie for another defensemen type of game which they also are suspect of doing.
8. Capitals (6-2) previously 10th - probably would be sitting at 7-1 if Ovechkin didn't miss games last week to flush the steroids out of his system before the Olympics, or as the Capitals call it "an upper-body injury". Varlamov played a game after being arrested for beating his girlfriend, probably based on the word of his agent who said Varlamov was "completely innocent of all charges", which must've been a bad translation and actually said "In Russia, we call that foreplay".
9. Canadiens (5-3) previously 11th - Went hog wild last week with the real Canadiens playing 4 games, which equalled 2 wins for these fantasy Canadiens and are now tied with the Avs, but have 37 less points resulting in them getting the boot. Really got a boost from the mad scientist Dan Bylsma, turning his Frankenstein defenseman, Engelland, into a goal scoring winger. Signing Alfredsson was just a super smart. Dude is almost a point a game player and keeping these Canadiens in the discussion for which 8 seed is going to get dominated the hardest by the Blues.
10. Bruins (7-1) previously 12th - A great record probably due to having the 3rd easiest schedule. Once things start getting more difficult I bet the ghost of Ryan Spooner comes and haunts the Bruins into losing some games. Confession time: I traded Brooks Laich to Rob for David Clarkson, whom I then parlayed into Craig Anderson. Some trades you feel good if you think you win, but this one I just feel bad. Brooks Laich couldn't have done less to help Rob then if I traded him that case of athlete's foot I didn't catch not going to the gym. Sorries
11. Canucks (6-2) previously 7th - Some say don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I'm not sure what that saying means since cars have made horses pretty much obsolete, but these Canucks are winning. Also helped by a very easy schedule I'm going to use the don't knock it till you've tried it mentality before I say these Canucks are just a flash in the pan. Gilly is probably organizing a fund raiser to get enough money to buy Brent Burns a wig, so he can reclaim his Sasquatch like powers. Burns has no points since shaving his hair, enough said.
12 Blackhawks (5-3) previously not listed - They just boot stomped me by way of the Hawks having 4 games and Toews/Hossa forming some kind of reverse tornado of goals and assists. They've won 4 games in a row and are on the up and up. I'm going to give out a tip on how to beat them: hack into his fantrax account bench his players and then change the login password to the last thing he'd want to think of "myMomisaSmokinghotBabe". Now he won't be able to compete and he has to think about what a babe his mom is.
A few other teams that are right there on the bubble in Coyotes, Maple Leafs and Oilers. Still alot of time to turn it around. I'd give you guys my speech if I were the Flyers' coach this year. "Guys, if they can score 4 goals in the first period that just shows us it is possible to score 4 goals, right? Lets go out there and stop embarrassing me" (as i drink heavily from my flask). Good luck
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