I am breaking up the league based on the song head, shoulders, knees and toes.
HEAD - This is the team that is the best
1. Anaheim Duck (13-1) - They are at the HEAD of the class. They stand HEAD and shoulders above all other teams. The ducks are HEADing for a championship. They are so far aHEAD of the 2nd place team in points that when I see that discrepancy it makes me feel as uncomfortable as watching 12 years a slave. Just to get a picture of how deep this team is the Ducks worst forward is Michael Grabner a guy who has put up 30 goals before. That makes me want to smash my HEAD against the wall.
SHOULDERS - These are the teams that are really good
2. Detroit Red Wings (9-5) - Least American team in our league. Being carried by guys like Voracek, Lehtera, Nyquist, Zetterberg, Datsyuk, and Luongo. It pains me that such a freedom hating team could be doing so well, but that is the world we live in today. Voracek is on pace for like 133 points this year and I'm no Nostradomus, but I doubt he makes it to such an esteemed number. Luckily for Izaman just when Voracek starts sucking Datsyuk and Zetterberg will stop. The Red Wings will be an ISIS wart on the SHOULDER of the Central East division all year.
3. Boston Bruins (11-3) - Just lost a tough one to the Blues, but it doesn't really matter in the Northeast division. Even if the Bruins weren't a good team they would still probably be leading the way. As they say, crap floats, and the Bruins are the shiniest turd of the Northeast (I'm not sure if that is a common saying). They are getting big time contributions from guys like Matt Beleskey, Chris Higgins, Anton Stralman, Cam Atkinson. I'm not sure if that is sustainable up through our playoffs, but I'm sure Rob can just shrug his SHOULDERs and be happy about right now.
4. Florida Panthers (9-5) - Who called it? This guy! You can pat me on the SHOULDER for a guesstimation done right. I knew these Panthers had more than enough fire power to tear this league up and they are doing just that. This team is basically like watching the Rookie Class all-star game every week. Then they have Daniel Sedin putting in a comeback season. Brock Nelson putting in an out of nowhere season and just the most solid core of d-men in the league. This team is here to stay and be competitive for the long haul.
5. Arizona Coyotes (9-5) - Going with an all in approach this year they have been rewarded with great play by veterans. Once Chara gets back Norrya can let him carry this team on his SHOULDERS (this will be my last reference to shoulders) all the way to the playoffs. St.Louis has been showing the NHL that a 5'6" guy can play at the highest level possible, but this year he is showing that a 39 year old 5'6" guy can be one of the best players every year. I think it helps that he is super nice and d-bags don't take cheap shots against him. It would be like winning a fight against a one legged puppy. Sure you beat something up, but the thing you beat up was a one legged puppy you monster!
6. Los Angeles Kings (10-4) - Finally. Year after year I say my dark horse for this year is the Kings. This year they have come to punch everyone in the nose and kiss our most attractive distant cousin. You know the one. The one you sometimes think about inappropriately, but then he/she is like a 4th cousin, and you do some math, plot out a family tree. Hey 4th cousins aren't that close at all. You start to think maybe you want to kiss that cousin. Well it is too late. While you were being gross trying to justify your deviant love for a family member Dedreger already impregnated them and is beating you in fantasy hockey.
7. St. Louis Blues (11-3) - This is the lowest the Blues have been ranked in at least 3 years. Actually if they were 4th that would be the lowest they have been ranked in 3 years. A testament to how good these Blues have been. Remember these rankings aren't based on anything but Fantasy Points scored, so the Blues are slacking big time. Down years from Backes, Spezza, Steen fell back to being an average goal scorer, Evander Kane, and Perron has been a big disappointment. Really what I am saying is the Blues have been bad by their standards, are 11-3 and will only be better when the above mentioned players figure out what end of the rink is the one they should be shooting at.
8. Carolina Hurricanes (9-5) - This year I went on a bold adventure. I wanted to shirk the idea that you need a bunch of stud goalies to win in this league. Maybe devalue them a bit. It turns out that I have been mildly successful. Ben Scrivens and the Oilers have been an embarrassment. If there was a symbol that just embodied tough minded, shut down hockey the NHL Oilers blended it up in that awesome blender that blends ipads and magnets. Cam Ward has returned to form. You know the form that has a .900 save percentage and 3.00 goals against. Sure Goalies are a consistent source of points, but that is boring. I am living on the edge praying for goals every week (exciting!!). And now it has dawned on me. I am living on the edge praying for goals every week (horrifying)...... What have I done!!
9. Edmonton Oilers (7-7) - The head pack dog of the Canada division. I'm willing to bet that if they benched every player for the rest of the year they would still go .500 in their division and make the playoffs. These Oilers were the lucky ducks of the offseason with Hornqvist getting traded to the Pens where he is quite literally the perfect fit for that team. I made up a chant for him while he plays with Malkin/Crosby/Or on the PP. It goes "When does Hornqvist shoot" "NOW! NOW! NOW!". Granted that is a bad chant, but it is catchy sitting in a shed with a tv shielded in plexi glass while you and your friends fire empty beer bottles at the screen as the Pens lose to the Islanders in back to back games.....
KNEES - these teams are good and should be pushing for a playoff spot
10. Colorado Avalanche (5-9) - If you don't have time to look on youtube to see what a kick to the groin looks like just look at the season the Avs are having. They have just been smashed by anvil opponents all year. They think boy I've just scored 140 points this week surely that is enough to get a win. And they are playing the Blues, Ducks, Bruins, Oilers who scored 160. It isn't fair, but it is kind of funny. You know for the people who aren't getting kicked in the groin. I feel like they still have a chance to push for playoff spot.
11. Buffalo Sabres (5-9) - If you don't have time to look on youtube to see what a football to the groin looks like just look at the season the Sabres are having. They have just been smashed by anvil opponents all year. They think boy I've just scored 140 points this week surely that is enough to get a win. And they are playing the Blues, Ducks, Bruins, Oilers who scored 160. It isn't fair, but it is kind of funny. You know for the people who aren't getting footballed in the groin. I feel like they still have a chance to push for a playoff spot. (yes I got lazy and just substituted football for kick to the groin. better than what your significant other substitutes you for! get off my back!! ok. I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I apologize)
12. Pittsburgh Penguins (4-10) - They are in the same boat as the Sabres and Avs.
13. Chicago Blackhawks (11-3) - Swiss cheese schedule (100 less points scored on them then the next team) has brought them all the way to an 11-3 record. Their time to fall down the standings is quickly approaching with games against the Caps/Kings, Bruins/Ducks, and Avs in the next 4 weeks. Steve Mason is having a disappointing season after last years success. The NHL Jets have apparently found a recipe to win, but that has come at the expense of just letting Byfuglien roam around the ice like a herding wildebeest grazing on points.
14. Washington Capitals (9-5) - 3rd easiest schedule + 14th most points scored would normally make me say that a Blackhawks like standings drop is on the way, but they have just been absolutely blessed with some kind ribboned gift of an early season schedule. December will be tough, but they will be above .500 for quite some time more.
15. Toronto Maple Leafs (4-10) - The best thing about this year for the Maple Leafs has got to be the emergence of Darcy Kuemper as the Wild's #1 goalie. Getting a starting goalie doesn't happen often and it certainly doesn't normally happen because he beats out 2 long time starting goalies. These Leafs have been hammered by a tough schedule, but their young guys aren't ready to lead them out of the big hole their schedule has dug for them.
TOES - these teams are having some bunion problems
16. Vancouver Canucks (4-10)
17. Montreal Canadiens (4-10)
18. Tampa Bay Lightning (3-11)
19. Philadelphia Flyers (2-12)
20. Calgary Flames (1-13)
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