Christmas, New Years, and a steady diet of actual work created a vortex of time sucking. The rankings are back and probably less creative then before, but they are back! Still based on total fantasy points for!
1. $Carolina Hurricanes$ (9-5) - previous 1 - Honestly, I believe the Bruins snuck ahead of me last week to claim the top spot, but that was short lived as Eric Staal watched a highlight of 2009 and remembered he can actually play at the NHL level that or the pressure of having like his 10th kid and nearly ending the career of his brother (awkward christmas dinner) is finally off his shoulders.
2. &Boston Bruins& (9-5) - previous 3 - Soon Chara will participate in his annual carnival game of Who can shoot faster than the giant? sponsored by Men's Warehouse XL department. The only thing that will be moving faster then his shot is urine from inside the goalie's watching to their pants.
3. Detroit Red Wings - previous 4 (7-7) - It is funny how teams have a certain type of player they go after. The Red Wings have an approach I dub a pokemonesque frenzy to get all the Swedes. Evgeni Nabakov realized it is close to the trade deadline and maybe... just maybe if he plays well enough he will be traded to a cup contender. Unluckily for him cup contenders don't need an average old guy who never got there in his prime.
4. $Colorado Avalanche$ (8-6) - previous 6 - In the present we are treated to old greek mythologies of Atlus carrying the sky on his shoulders. A thousand years from now people will be talking about Evgeni Malkin literally carrying a team... no a city.... no the hopes and dreams of everyone on his back.
5. $Chicago Blackhawks$ (11-3) - previous 2 - A slippery slope from the top. Once a mighty king, now just a pauper begging at the feet of royalty, yet still tied for 1st place overall. Yes, these rankings are strange. Jussi Jokinen better hope he can imitate Lady and the Tramp, where he is Lady, Jeff Skinner is the Tramp and the dirty disgusting alley they kiss in is the Hurricanes season or else he is getting way overpaid.
6. $St. Louis Blues$ (9-5) - previous 5 - This team scares me. I know Lundqvist is going to play and win all the games, Stamkos is going to score all the goals and Shea Weber can actually shoot hockey pucks through the netting in a goal. Watch out for the Blues.
7. $Anaheim Ducks$ (11-3) - previous 7 - The Ducks are back in town, the ducks are back in tooowwwwnnnnnn! (imagine that sung in the vein of The boys are back in town please). Riding a fantasy league best 5 game win streak and sitting tied at the top. Tomas Vokoun is playing like he did in Florida except on a team that can score more than 1 goal a night. Getzlaf and Parise are coming out of their early season funks. Getzlaf is 26 yet has the hair, or lack their of, of a 70 year old. Just throwing it out there.
8. Philadelphia Flyers (5-9) - previous 10 - This poor unfortunate team.. They were the kids that ate the yellow icee from friends. They are that guy you know that is a dad because a condom broke. They are "The Blitz" from How I met your mother. When a team plays this fantasy flyer's team they run rampant. They still! After 14 weeks have the most fantasy points against. Better luck next year.
9. San Jose Sharks (9-5) - tied - previous 11 - What a solid pickup Derek Stepan has been. This team is just solid in every area. Good scorers, good defensemen, 2 starting goalies yet not a single guy with a mustache. If they would just add that they would be a power house I am sure of it.
9. $Vancouver Canucks$ (8-6) - tied - previous 9 - This team is heating up and with Theodore coming back from an injury expect them to move up the charts in short order. "Jaromir Jagr says that he was 'scared' to test his groin Sunday in Ottawa". Haha no man should ever say those words. I like to test my groin wherever I am at.
11. $Dallas Stars$ (9-5) - previous 13 - The opposite problem of the Flyers. A team so lucky their Crap actually doesn't stink. They are that guy who while slipping and falling Heidi Klum catches them while she was walking to submit her divorce papers. They still near the bottom of the leagues least fantasy points against after 14 weeks and are the constant target of everyone's jealousy.
12. Edmonton Oilers (5-9) - previous 8 - They probably just need another year to mature and you know get to the tail end of puberty. Some of these guys still havn't seen a real life woman's... shoulder blade they are so young. Maybe next year for these oilers. Lots of cap space and youth never hurt nobody.
13. Los Angeles Kings (7-7) - previous 15 - Winners of 3 straight and a team on the march to a playoff spot. Once Duchene gets healthy the Kings could be trouble. But I bet they fall down the charts the next 2 weeks with Benn injured.
14. Toronto Maple Leafs (7-7) - previous 14 - Nazem Kadri has been called up and sent back more times then a soup ordered by the elderly. That poor guy is never going to get any kind of hockey rhythm. I bet the Maple Leafs before the season draw straws to see who is going to have a career year and who is going to disappear for 82 games. Winners: Lupul and Kessel, Losers: Kulemin and MacArthur
15. Washington Capitals (6-8) - previous 12 - Niklas Backstrom got hit with one of the cheapest shots I've seen this year. Yet the Caps keep on winning. I blame the fact that george mcphee sold his soul and any chance of looking like a normal human being to the devil for these winning seasons.
16. Pittsburgh Penguins (3-11) - previous 16 - That noise you hear is Cho34's longing for Crosby to play hockey. It is hauntingly beautiful.
17. Buffalo Sabres (6-8) - previous 18 - Hey Buffalo at least you aren't covered in 4 feet of snow! Look on the bright side, because the dark side is the Sabres are not paying forward all that good will their near owner paid them. Ouch
18. Montreal Canadiens (5-9) - previous 17 - The fans of the Canadiens were more pissed that their new coach didn't speak french instead of their team having no will to win. Side bar: PK Subban needs to catch a beating and I don't care by who. His hit on Krejci was borderline, but what he did after deserves a revoking of his man card.
19. Tampa Bay Lightning (5-9)- previous 19 - This fantasy squad is savaged by injuries. Roloson's career finally hit midnight and he has turned back into a pumpkin.
20. Calgary Flames (2-12) - previous 20 - What do women say when they were completely unsatisfied but don't want to hurt the guys feelings? That was gooood (draw it out too long while not making eye contact). The flames season so far has been "goood".
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