I've been a bit preoccupied with work this year. Turns out celebrities and newscasters aren't the only people who sexually harass people and get fired it is also Vice Presidents that like to put dick pics on their computer for people to see. In what has been a fairly unpredictable NHL season we have gotten a pretty predictable DNHL season. The Blues are cleaning up like the guy who gets his license and car first in high school. There is a pretty large number of teams that are very much in the playoff picture though. I'd say 15 of the 20 teams are still in the hunt based on record and points scored, which is almost exactly the same percentage of viable playoff teams in the NHL. I'd say if DNHL has been going for a realistic NHL comparison we've done pretty well.
1 St. Louis Blues (16-2) - If the Ducks have been the gold standard in our league based on dominance and pulling away from the pack then this Blues team has created the Platinum standard. In a year of some high scoring teams these Blues reign supreme. Burrito supreme. They are on pace to set single season records in Goals, Assists, and Shots. That being said in recent weeks they have shown signs of weakness. Much like a boss from an SNES game we just have to wait and look for that shiny spot on their underbelly and strike. If only we could plug our cartridge into a game genie and turn on invincibility to even the odds. In what is probably the most disturbing thing go and look at who is still on the minor league roster for the Blues (they could be scoring even more points).
500 point gap between 1 and 2 ; if this was WWI this wide spathe of empty area would be called "No Man's Land"
2 Winnipeg Jets (16-2) - In what is hands down the most dominate team of goalies in league history (at least based on name) the former Kings are tearing it up this year. Eric Staal is having a dominate season. Patrick Kane is still really good. Toffoli is putting lots of biscuits in the basket while Doughty is having a Norris trophy performance. MacKinnon and Landeskog are pulling the corpse that is the Avs team through a weekend at Bernie's style party keeping them playoff relevant. The biggest boost has been from Brayden Point. The Kings have always been a good team looking for a couple youngsters to make them great and now they have Point acting like Rudolph's nose leading them through the foggy night that is the DNHL season.
3 Vancouver Canucks (14-4) - What a swift kick to the fantasy GM nuts picking Shipachyov was. It has to rival my picking Andrew Hammond at #1 for quickest exit from the league. I feel your pain and can tell you from experience you will never have fantasy children ever again. Taking a page out of the Blues notebook the Canucks have Morrissey and Sergachev stashed in the minors for what I can only conclude is competitive balance. Maybe Rob, stirring up his inner Gary Bettman, asked them to create some false parity to drive up participation.
4 Colorado Avalanche (13-5) - Snug must've drugged us all, threw us in his hot tub time machine, and brought us back to the year 2011 when Dustin Brown wasn't a complete waste of money. I've got news for you Snug. I don't appreciate being brought back to a time to relive Sydney Crosby's concussion. It has taken me many years of intensive therapy to get the murderous rage I felt for Dave Steckel out of my system. Now all those feelings are coming back. Time to imagine my power animal....... the mighty ferret. Go ferret. Slide down the relaxation slide into the calming pool of serenity.
5 Carolina Hurricanes (15-3) - Much like Jerrry Seinfelds "Even Steven" where Elaine throws 20 bucks away then later he finds another in a jacket pocket. Fleury reclaims his rightful spot as a starting goalie and then promptly gets concussed. Taking a starting goalie from me. The NHL Coyotes trade for Scott Wedgewood and Anti Raanta gets hurt because that is so Coyotes giving me back a starting goalie. I'm really being propped up by outstanding seasons from Kopitar, Tavares, Gaureau and Kessel. Which is great. Because you know they are like half my payroll. Brent Burns at one point had like 85 shots on the year without a single goal. That has to be some kind of record for futility.
6 Edmonton Oilers (11-7) - Stepans $7m contract can't come off Hockeyfreak's payroll fast enough. On the other side Mark Stone's contract of 2.7m has to be up there with the greatest current bargain in our league. This Oilers team is just further proof that the NHL Oilers have no idea what they are doing with their players. Turns out if you keep Hall and Eberle and don't sign slow footed defensemen to ludicrous contracts you are a winning team.
7 Buffalo Sabres (13-5) - Bobrovsky looks like he is going to have another solid regular season and humiliating post season while Cam Talbot has finally succumbed to the dreaded "getting run into the ground" injury. At this point if you are the NHL Sabres how do you not just say "We are terrible how about we just open it up and let Eichel, Reinhart, O'Reilly, etc get some points". That would help DNHL Sabres and maybe make being a Sabres fan less a test of faith.
8 Boston Bruins (11-7) - Who the hell is Josh Bailey and why is he playing hockey with Tavares? That is the question that will be answered in the next season of the hit podcast Serial. I keep reading articles that try to push Toews into being an elite level hockey player and I just don't see it anymore. Certainly not for fantasy purposes. In every way that Toews has been average this year Brayden Schenn has been exceptional. Talk about jumping off a sinking ship onto a cruise liner of sexually fluid beautiful Norse gods. Dude hit the jackpot leaving Philly to go to the Blues. These DNHL Bruins though are still waiting for their ticket.
9 Anaheim Ducks (10-8) - It turns out the price for a half decade of dominance in this league is perhaps a half decade of middling. Go big or get to the bottom. That is my motto, family creed and mantra (which I think is like a sing song kind of motto). Radek Faksa has been a great depth player though just in time to jack up the extension price. Anyone who watches the NHL Bruins has Rask lost his starting job? The numbers certainly display a player who is well below the back-up. 6.5m is par for the course in our league's goalie roulette.
10 Philadelphia Flyers (10-8) - Steven Stamkos is real real good at hockey. The NHL flyers are pure trash. They should do what the garbage 2003-06 Penguins did and just turn the team over to a highly touted talented youngster. Bring up Carter Hart. Elliot is going to be a grandpa before the NHL Flyers make the playoffs. Bring in Hart and let him play and learn at the highest level. The worst thing that happens is the Flyers finish 14th in the conference instead of 12th.
11 Toronto Maple Leafs (8-10) - Nazem Kadri might be riding a ludicrous shooting %, but how about how he turned it on the last 2 years. He should be bottling up his sweat and selling that to Russian Olympic athletes, so they can avoid getting caught with PEDs. I predict the Oilers trade for Aaron Dell. Talbot gets hurt long term and Dell leads them to the playoffs. I also predict that Federer, Nadal and Djokovic never win another Grand Slam because I hate that tennis has become so predictable.
12 Washington Capitals (8-10) - Ovechkin has become a one trick pony, but luckily for him his one trick is shooting and scoring lots of goals. How good would the NHL Capitals be if they kept Forsberg? I bet they'd have a Stanley Cup, but instead they got Erat and the specter of playoff shame hanging over them. Yanni Gourdi was a shrewd draft pick in what is looking like, for the time being, the best value pick from our past year's draft.
13 Montreal Canadiens (9-9) - Marchessault has been a man possessed or a man that came into a significant amount of gambling debt and is being "inspired" to play really really well. Why is this Erikkson Ek kid not playing more minutes for the Wild? He came out last year and really put together a solid rookie stretch. Instead they have guys like Chris Stewart, Marcus Foligno, and Tyler Ennis playing ahead of him. Guess it is pretty obvious why the NHL Wild suck. How much different would the NHL be if they didn't have guaranteed contracts? I bet the move to a speed game would happen that much quicker because they could dump so many of the unproductive sloths currently on long term contracts. I can also guarantee Lehtonen wouldn't even be an AHL goalie.
14 Detroit Red Wings (6-12) - It was the best of times with Datsyuk and Zetterberg and now it is the worst of times with watch Jimmy Howard backstop the rutterless NHL Red Wings. He is just as likely to give up 5 goals as he is 1 goal and you'd have no idea whether it was his fault or not for either outcome. If you looked at Voracek's stats you'd think he was on a winning team and to that I'd say wrong on both accounts. I'm just glad to finally be out from Izaman's thumb in the Central East division.
I've run out of time to do the rest of the teams, but know that what I would've said would've been profound and hilarious.
15 Tampa Bay Lightning (5-13)
16 Chicago Blackhawks (6-12)
17 Pittsburgh Penguins (5-13)
18 Vegas Golden Knights (2-16)
19 New York Rangers (1-17)
20 Arizona Coyotes (1-17)
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